Friday, December 28, 2007


As we know it...and I feel fine...

So I went to see I Am Legend the other day, largely because I have a fascination with all things dealing with the end of the world. The whole genre of Post-apocalyptic fiction fascinates me. It got me thinking, though. What are the odds of it actually happening in my lifetime? I have narrowed down the four most likely culprits, ordered them from most to least, and given you reasons for the odds in the first annual...

"Shit's about to get real" List!

We'll start with the most likely (in my estimation) culprit and work our way down the list. These odds have been checked by a Las Vegas odds-maker, and he said they are the slam-bam-diggity... Lets get to it!

1. Plague
Odds.......15 to 1
Now, by the world "ending," I mean Black Death-like statistics. Fully 1/4 of the world's population died. Any numbers including and past that will throw a pretty big monkey wrench in the machine we call "society." I placed the odds at 15 to 1 because every 100 years or so, there is a pandemic. Be it Bubonic Plague, Cholera, Spanish Flu, TB, or any number of others, something comes along to cull the herd in a pretty major way. There are a number of possible culprits out there right now. TB is making a comeback...and this time, it's drug-resistant! (Hooray!, wait...) The flu mutates every year. That flu shot you got? it's for last year's bug. The new kid on the block has free-range. We've got a stockpile of supposedly dead diseases (Smallpox, Polio) which I feel pretty secure about. It's the ones the Russians have (and are, I'm sure, willing to sell to the highest bidder) that make me nervous. As air travel makes the world smaller every day, it becomes more likely. Recently, a study was done in which scientsts marked a benign bacteria, seeing how quickly it would make it around the world. The answer? 24 hours. Next up, it's our old friend...

2. Nuclear War
Odds.......20 to 1
That's right kiddies, just when you thought it was safe to go back in the pool. Here's a list of countries with nuclear weapons (Thanks, wikipedia!)...

1. United States
2. Russia
3. United Kingdom
4. France
5. China
6. India
7. Pakistan
8. North Korea (Isn't that one reassuring...)
9. Israel (suspected)

The countries that are likely to use them (and against whom) is a shorter list...
in order of likelihood, they are...
1. North Korea (USA, South Korea, Japan, pretty much every one...)
2. Pakistan (India)
3. Israel (Anyone who tries to invade...again. I'm looking at you Syria, Lebanon, and Egypt!)
4. India (Pakistan)
5. China (Taiwan, USA by proxy since we told the Chinese we'd respond in kind if they did so...)

Kim Il Jong is certifiably insane. You never know what that wacky little bastard is going to do next. Pakistan and India have been up each other's butts over Kashmir since around '47. Pakistan is higher on the list because their political situation is...dicey, shall we say. Israel has been willing to lob 'em since they got 'em, which is probably why they still exist as a country right now. The China-Taiwan thing has cooled in recent years, but is ALWAYS on the verge of another flare-up. I took us, the Russians, the French, and the British off the list because I just don't see one of those four pulling that ugly little trigger. If you disagree, tell me why in the comments section! There are two more, which I'll post about on Monday! Stay Tuned!

Monday, December 24, 2007


Merry Christmas from those of us here at Before There Was...suckas!

Friday, December 21, 2007

Hey Hey Hey...

Help is on the way!
I'm going to update soon! It's gonna be about the end of the'll be fun. I've been brainstorming about this post for about a week, so it'll be long and awesome...

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Finals, Schminals!

It's finals week officially, which is why postings have been few and far between over the past few weeks...

Ohio State is, once again, the #1 team in the country (bitches). The leader in the clubhouse to play the Buckeyes in New Orleans is LSU, since they are #2 in the AP and Coaches poll. That blows, because it'll be like a home game for LSU. On the other hand, OSU fans travel EXTREMELY well. We went to the Fiesta Bowl against Kansas State a few years ago because the organizers sited "economic concerns" for selecting the Buckeyes. They basically said that no one from Kansas State was going to show up, so they needed a draw. Damn, did it work. They filled the arena. I think the Sugar Bowl will wind up about 50/50, much to the chagrin of LSU. Take that, fatty!
More to come...

Sunday, November 25, 2007


I got to watch the Blue Jackets game last night at work (ssshh, don't tell anyone). It was a doozy. 3-2 Shootout win over the Red Wings at home. That's the kind of game that can turn a season around. It took the Jackets out of the cellar and into a playoff spot. Good times...
In other news...
Ohio State jumps to #3 in the BCS. Should Missouri lose to Oklahoma in the Big XII Championship Game (VERY likely) or West Virginia lose to Pitt (not very likely), Ohio State will go to the championship game in New Orleans. Should BOTH of these happen, we'll play Georgia. Ohio State-Missouri = Ohio State Win, BIG
Ohio State-West Virginia = Crapshoot, could go either way. WVU is like Illinois, but better...
Ohio State-Georgia = Ohio State win, but it'd be close...

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Why I'm an odd duck...

Well, one reason anyway...
Most people tend to kill time at work on any number of random websites, most commonly news or sports webpages. I, on the other hand, go wiki-tripping.
For those of you who have never spent a significant amount of time at Wikipedia, each entry has a series of hyperlinked words that will take you to another entry (like the one above, for Wikipedia! Ironical...). I'll jump on there, pick a topic, and start the journey.
Example: I started with the main page, which had a little blurb about the Space Shuttle Discovery. I checked it out, and went to the spacecraft entry, scrolled down to the "furthest spacecraft from earth" entry, hit up Voyager (or V-ger, for you Star Trek nerds out there), checked out the Golden Record (totally different from the "Golden Ticket," you dirtball), saw photos of most of the planets in the galaxy, found out what the heliosphere is, read about solid rocket boosters, the Prandtl-Glauert Singularity (too cool), explosive bolts, Soviet/Chinese/European spacecraft, NASA, the ESA, and on and on and on. I didn't even know I was interested in space tonight! I do this for HOURS. Were it not for the fact that I had to sleep/eat/raise a kid/go to school/etc., I'd embark on a wiki-trip that would last for eternity. I recommend it. Click on either of the hyperlinks above and start reading. THe most important part of it all is to move on as SOON as anything peaks your interest.

Enjoy your trip...Wavy Gravy is here for ground control if things get too intense...

Saturday, November 10, 2007

In a word...

Ohio State- 21
Illi-God-damn-nois- 28
(It HAD to be Illinois, didn't it?)

Blue Jackets-3

Balls Balls Big Furry Lumberjack Balls made of wood and covered in coarse hairs....

Monday, October 29, 2007

When we last left our intrepid explorers...

We (the royal we, that is) left off at the end of one of the first confontations that stirred the pot that was Cuban Missile Crisis soup (which does NOT come with the free breadsticks, so don't even ask), the US Naval blockade of Cuba. The Russians had lost the battle, but still definitely felt they could win the war. So strap in kids, here's the exciting conclusion of...
Cuban Missile Crisis
Part IV, "A New Hope..." (NERD!)

October 24-25
The State Department floated an idea. If the Russians pulled the missiles out of Cuba, the US would remove a series of missile bases it had established in Turkey (which is about as close to Russia as Cuba is to the US, at least as far as missile launch and response time is concerned).

By late afternoon of the 25th, U2 flights and a series of CIA operatives in Cuba confirmed that work on the missile sites had not slowed down at all. Kennedy (who, if you'll remember, always had an itchy trigger finger as far as the Cubans were concerned) wanted to invade to remove the missiles, but (and this will become a theme, thank God) cooler heads prevailed, and diplomacy was allowed to continue.

*****Special Sidebar!*****
Backdoor Diplomacy
The Crisis was full of it. ABC News (!) was carrying on discussions with Aleksandr Formin (Washington D.C. KGB Section Chief, c. 1960-1964) about the removal of missiles from Cuba in return for a guarantee that the US would never invade the island. A message was passed by the Brazilian (!) Embassy in Cuba to Castro, telling him to pressure the Russians to remove the missiles to protect his borders from the threat of US invasion.
(* A note on Russian foreign relations...The Russians didn't have "alliances." They tended to be wary of (Castro) and sometimes openly confrontational with (Mao in China) other Communist leaders. They were looking out for their own interests, and expected other Communist states (outside of Europe) to do the same. Until the missiles were on Cuban soil, there was little formal relationship between Havana and Moscow, and as soon as the missiles were removed (I gave away the ending...oh no!) there would again be little formal relationship. To prove the point, Nixon went to Russia before Castro even thought about doing so, and only went in '73 after Nixon's SECOND visit in May of '72. I'd say they were friendly enough with each other, but definitely "chilly." Now, back to the action! [thank you Encyclopedia Americana for the Nixon info])

6:00 that night...
Khrushchev wrote and had delivered a letter written in his own hand that Robert Kennedy would later describe as "long and emotional" that basically said "if you keep up your end of the bargain, I'll keep up mine."

October 27...
Things get "el testy-o" in Cuba
Castro is BALLSY, you've gotta give him that. Case in point...
Castro was convinced the US was going to invade (can you blame him? Look at the history!), so he was pressuring the Russians to not remove the missiles, but USE them! He also oredered his Anti-aircraft gunners to shoot down any US planes over Cuban soil (an open act of "hostility," or war).
Khrushchev, in the mean time, was working his magic. He wanted the missiles out of Turkey, and said so in a radio address on Radio Moscow. Robert McNamara, in the mean time, had a stroke of brilliance when he realized no one told the Russians where the blockade line was (dumbasses). he had U Thant (UN Sec. General) relay a message to prevent any stickiness.

Later in the day, Castro made good on his word and shot down a U2 spy plane flying over Cuba. A sortie of US planes was also fired upon but not destroyed. Kennedy had said he would attack Cuba if this happened, but decided to wait to see if diplomacy could still carry the day (cooler heads!).

October 27-28...
Kennedy and Khrushchev, playing the world's most important game of "telephone," continued negotiating about the missiles in Turkey. For the sake of brevity, I'll sum it up. Kennedy wanted the missiles out of Cuba, and was willing to take the missiles out of Turkey, but didn't want the world to think the Russians made him do it. Khrushchev wanted the missiles out of Turkey, and was willing to take the ones out of Cuba. Turkey, for it's part, wanted the missiles to stay, but who cares what Turkey wants? Turkey doesn't want to get cooked on Thanksgiving, but we still eat it in late November (plus sandwich time for the next week or two). Kennedy wasn't going to let the Russians save any face on the Turkey Situation. The Russians were mulling it over, and to prod them along, Kennedy had a message sent through official diplomatic channels saying "time is short, poop or get off the pot." He was telling the Russians "either take the deal or we'll invade Cuba."

October 28....
It worked. Khrushchev ordered the dimantling of the missiles and their immediate return to the Soviet Union. Kennedy immediately gave a speech praising the Russians for taking an important step in the peace process. People all across America were putting finishing touches on bomb shelters that, while awesome, would never be used during the Cold War.

"A schooner is a sailboat, stupidhead!" (What the big picture is...)
This was the event that saved the (up to that time, disastrous) Kennedy presidency, and would get his name mentioned in the same breath as Lincoln (the ULTIMATE American compliment).

Khrushchev kept power for two years, and was eventually ousted by Leonid Brezhnev, many believe due to the "loss of face" that occured during the Crisis. Brezhnev would hold the post of General Secretary longer than anybody but Stalin (1964-1982).

Castro is still as nutty as squirrel turds, chattering like a monkey in Havana to this day. Americans are still prohibited from travelling to Cuba and have to go to Canada to get cigars.

The Soviet Union would collapse in 1990-91.

Friday, October 26, 2007

In honor of the new set up...

A History Lesson! Hooray! Gather 'round kiddies/and you shall see/ the midnight ride/ of a U2 spy plane, a fat Soviet (who looks a little like Don Zimmer), and a Massachusetts cuckolder. That's right...

Cuban Missile Crisis!

The Setting...

Seeing it as his duty to Monroe Doctorine/Rosevelt Corollary politics, JFK decided Castro had to go. Cuba was too sweet a place to leave in the hands of those dirty commies. Havana, after all, was the Las Vegas of it's time. When you hear someone say "It's not Havana in the 50's, but it's nice(as I often do)," they mean that it isn't the place to be. Castro gained power in Cuba in 1959, and the democrats (not those democrats, just people who supported Democracy in general) scattered like 17 year olds at a keg party getting raided by the cops. By April 15, 1961, a brigade of Cuban ex-pats (whose training started und
er Eisenhower) was ready for an invasion to take back the motherland. They landed on the Bay of Pigs, got CRUSHED (thanks in large part to the fact that Kennedy wouldn't authorize direct US support, not wanting to literally "poke the (Russian) bear."), and left Kennedy with a HUGE black eye. See, the whole world knew it was us, but (hooray plausible deniability!) couldn't prove it (yet). Che Guevara (you know, the guy on the T-Shirts!) famously sent Kennedy a note stating: "Thanks for Playa Giron (Bay of Pigs). Before the invasion, the revolution was weak, Now it's stronger than ever."(*Thanks, Wikipedia, for the quotiness!) Now you get why Kennedy had such a bug up his but about Cuba...

The Event...(with a picture of the "Cuban Missiles" in question, shot by the U2!)

October 14, 1962...
A U2 spy plane flying over San Cristobal in Western Cuba snaps the photo above, along with PLENTY of others, of Russian SS-4 and SS-5 Medium and Long Range Ballistic Missiles. How did we know to take the pictures? Prepare to be shocked...the FRENCH told us the Cubans were getting the boom-boom phalluses early in 1962. Can you believe that?

October 16...
Kennedy meets with his cabinet to discuss the situation, having seen the photos earlier in the morning (presumably after the skank of the day got booted out of his office in yesterday's dress, reeking of cigarette smoke with a little vomit in her hair...Kennedy liked 'em dirty). The big problem here is that there was NO policy regarding Soviet action in Cuba. American foreign policy makers always thought that if the Russians EVER made a move, it'd be in Berlin (which was the heart of the Cold War from beginning to end, except for these two weeks in October). ANYHOOT, the Joint Chiefs said "Invade." Problem was, we invade Cuba, the Soviets use it as an excuse to invade Berlin, Kennedy gets blamed, not to mention The Day After moving from the "fiction" to "biography" section at the burnt-out husk of the Blockbuster. Robert McNamara (then Secretary of Defense) suggested a blockade. Technically, it was still an act of war, but with approval from the Organization of American States, Kennedy could claim it was legal. Things were getting ugly.

October 18...
The Minister of Foreign Affairs for the Soviet Union tells Kennedy they weren't missiles, it was a land reform project...with missiles...I mean...damn...Look, John D. Rockefeller throwing silver dollars from a zeppelin! (Minister runs out of room, Kennedy goes to get wash-basin to collect silver dollars, gets halfway to the White House shed, realizes he's been duped, and shakes a fist at the heavens).

October 19...
U2 spy plane photos show between 4 and 5 operational missile sites (depending on your source). Kennedy tells the British and other allies of the plans for blockade, etc. and tells them to keep it on the D-L until he can address the nation. Strategic Air Command (SAC) lanches what will become round-the-clock flights of B-52 Stratofortresses armed with nuclear missiles, ready to launch a full first-strike against the Soviet Union should either side flinch...this was high-stakes fo' sho'.

Looking to rust some tin roofs in the USSR, bitches!

October 22...
Kennedy addresses the nation. He states that (and I'm paraphrasing here) any missile launched from Cuba will be seen as an attack by the Soviet Union on the United States, and will be met with a full retaliatory response. He announces the blockade and places US forces on DEFCON 3, which moved radio communication to classified codes and increased force readiness. 180 US ships are ready to blockade that bitch!

October 23...
Khrushchev calls the blockade illegal and tells his ships to run it.

October 24, 10 A.M....
The blockade officially goes in to effect. When the blockade goes in to effect, there are nineteen Soviet vessels bound for Cuba. 16 turn right back around and head for the Soviet union. The tanker Bucharest continues heading for US lines, while two other ships, the Gagarin and Komiles, were miles from US lines and being escorted by a submarine that was sandwiched between the two. Force was authorized to stop the ships. Less than a half an hour later, all the ships had stopped advancing towards US lines. At this point, Dean Rusk famously quipped, "We're eyeball to eyeball, and I think the other fellow just blinked." This would be the first of a number of NEAR misses over the next few days.

Later in the day, after Khrushchev publicly said that "pirate actions" would not be tolerated. He also sent a private telegram to Kennedy that said in much cooler but no less uncertain terms that the Soviets could not and would not back down. So much for blinking, douchebag...

Propmted by these messages, for the only time in it's history, US Armed Forces were put on DEFCON 2, one step from open armed conflict. By comparison, we only reached DEFCON 3 on September 11th, 2001. This...was...BIG trouble in Little China, with Khrushchev as Lo Pan, The Kennedy Boys as Jack Burton, Adlai Stevenson (...Don't wait for the translation, yes or no, you are in the courtroom of world opinion...) as Gracie Law, and McNamara as Egg Shen.

I'm going to stop here, and let this all set in...I'll be back tomorrow with the thrilling conclusion. Check it out, yo!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

So, Here are a few things...

What happened to needing talent to get ahead in this country? I just watched 20 minutes of a show, my hand to God, called "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila." If you haven't seen it (and since you're reading this, I'm assuming you haven't), Tila Tequila is a diminutive bisexual who gained huge celebrity by having a myspace page and being a vapid whore. 16 guys (and they are amazing men, captains of industry every one) and 16 lesbians( complaints about that part of it actually) "compete" for a chance to "hit it." That's it. That's your show. Guess what network it's on? MTV. maybe I'm getting to old, but remember when the "M" in "MTV" was for "Music," not "Look! vagina!"

Everyone says that Pete Carroll is the greatest coach in college football these days. He coches USC, which might be the easiest school to recruit for in the country. Not to be a homer, but I think Jimmy T has a much stiffer challenge...Lets look at it objectively...
USC is nestled in kind of a shitty area of LA. Other than that, it is a lovely campus, it's always sunny and 70, and the student body is as attractive as they come.

Ohio State on the other hand, is in the middle of Columbus, Ohio. I love it here, but 70 and sunny it is not. Ohio State happens to have the largest enrollment of any degree-granting institution (that isn't on the internet...I mean, come on, really?) in the United States. The student body?

And yet...
Career records at respective schools...
Carroll at USC...71-13 (45-8)
Tressel at Ohio State...70-14 (42-10)

End of season rankings...
USC (2001-current) NR,4,2,1,2,4,8
OSU (2001-current) NR,1,4,20,4,2,1

Conference Competition...
End of season rankings...(2002-current)
Pac 10 (AP)
2002 (USC Conf. Title)
Washington State (10)

2003 (USC Nat'l Camp. [split, LSU])
Washington State (9)

2004 (USC Nat'l Camp)
California (9)
Arizona State (19)

2005 (USC Conf. Title)
Oregon (12)
UCLA (16)
California (25)

2006 (USC Conf. Title)
California (14)
Oregon State (21)

2007 (through week 8, USC at 8)
Oregon (5)
Arizona State (7)
California (18)

Big 10 (AP)
2002 (Ohio State Nat'l Champ)
Iowa (8)
Michigan (9)
Penn State (16)

Michigan (6)
Iowa (8)
Purdue (18)
Minnesota (20)

Iowa (8)
Michigan (14)
Wisconsin (17)

2005 (Ohio State Conf. Title)
Penn State (3)
Wisconsin (15)

2006 (Ohio State Conf. Title)
Wisconsin (7)
Michigan (8)
Penn State (24)

2007 (Through Week 8, Ohio State 1)
Michigan (19)
Penn State (24)

The only seasons in which the Pac 10 had more teams in the top 25 than the Big 10 were 2005 (USC 2, OSU 4) and this year (USC 8, Ohio State 1). The Pac 10 had 12 teams in the top 25 at year's end during this span, with an average ranking of (13.75). The Big 10 had 17 teams in the top 25 at year's end with an average ranking of (13.18). It's kind of splitting hairs as to who's better, but I think the numbers do a pretty good job of showing it. Tressel has 3 fewer conference wins. That can be accounted for by level of competition. He also has one less win overall. Again, level of competition. I hope this was as enlightening to read as it was to research. I hope to revisit again at the end of the year, sucakfish!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

To 25 in tha piece! Also...O-H!

Here it is, my personal top 25...
1. LSU
2. Cal
3. Ohio State
4. Oregon
5. Boston College
6. USF
7. South Carolina
8. West Virginia
9. Florida
10. Kentucky
11. Missouri
12. Oklahoma
13. Cincinnati
14. Arizona State
15. Illinois
16. Hawaii
17. Kansas
18. Florida State
19. Wisconsin
20. Auburn
21. USC
22. Indiana
23. Purdue
24. Rutgers
25. Texas
My logic...
1. Losses to any of the top three shouldn't hurt much, if at all (Hi Oregon/Florida).
2. Losses at home to teams that suck hurt. A LOT (welcome, USC/Texas).
3. Night games are different. They just are. Losing a night game on the road to a ranked opponent (especially in the top 10) isn't as bad as a loss in a day or afternoon game. It's different under the lights (You're welcome, Purdue/Rutgers).
In other news...
Ohio State is good. VERY good. They've outscored opponents 202-43. If you subtract junk points (which are points scored after the Buckeyes are up by 21 or more) that number drops to 26. 26 REAL points in 6 games. WOW.

Check back Friday for hyperlinks! Leave comments! Hooray!

Cubs = Poopy

Grr. Want to know what being a Cubs fan feels like? It's a little like THIS. And yet we come back, year after year. It is what it is I suppose. I can finally say this with some confidence that it might actually happen..."We'll get 'em next year."
Some telling statistics from the series...
Team batting average
CUBS... .194 (19-98)
DBACKS... .266 (25-94)

CUBS... 1 6
DBACKS... 6 16

TEAM K (hitters)
CUBS... 27
DBACKS... 35 (that's right, D'Backs hitters struck out more...)

CUBS... 54
DBACKS... 50

The Cubs as a team hit .271 for the 2007 season. The D'Backs? .250
Aramis Ramirez is the perfect example. The 2007 season saw him it (.310/26HR/101RBI). He struck out 66 times (13 percent of AB's) and grounded in to 13 Double Plays (3 percent of AB's). This series? He was 0-12 with 5 K (42%) and 2 GIDP (17%). He created 14 outs in 12 AB's. I don't blame him. I think the Cubs, as a team, had a miserable three games at the worst possible time. Should Lou have pulled Zambrano in game 1? With Marmol pitching the way he did all season, you'd've done the same, and anyone who says they wouldn't is a liar.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Stay tuned gang...

I have to work Sunday and Monday, but Tuesday will bring a huge statistical anaysis of the Cubs' meltdown and the weekend that was in college football, including my top 25...Keep it real.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Here we go again...

Ohio State (-7) at Purdue
Purdue throws the ball. A LOT. Which is weird. I don't think Purdue has ever had a team that throws (up) a lot...ANYWAY...
Curtis Painter is a helluva quarterback. He has TD passes to eight different recievers and 18 overall. He is coming off a year (2006, for those of you as good at math as I am) when he threw a gazillion TD's, but 19 interceptions as well (leading all 1A). This year he only has three against football powerhouses such as Toledo (1-4), Eastern Illinois (3-2, 1AA), Central Michigan (2-3), Minnesota (1-4), and Notre Dame (0-5!). Beforetherewas contest: Without cheating, name the 4 teams the above referenced are playing just by the uniforms. Hell, get help, you probably still can't do it...
Ohio State comes fresh off a drubbing of Minnesota, and a week in which no one was arrested for soliciting a(n 80's) prostitute! Hooray!
I think the Buckeyes win this one 33-17. I HATE road games at Purdue. Purdue is THAT team for Sweatervest. Always more trouble than they are worth. Purdue keeps it close for three quarters, then depth on the lines takes over, and Ohio State runs it up in the 4th.
In other news...
Please Jeebus, give me a comeback of biblical proportions. I beg of you. I think the Cubs will take the two in Wrigley.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Sweet Baby Jesus!

It was a big weekend in college football.
Your standings on Friday...(top 10)
1. USC (43) 3-0
2. LSU (22) 4-0
3. Oklahoma 4-0
4. Florida 4-0
5. West Virginia 4-0
6. Cal 4-0
7. Texas 4-0
8. Ohio State 4-0
9. Wisconsin 4-0
10. Rutgers 4-0
Your standings when the dust settled on Sunday...(Top 10)
1. LSU (33) 5-0
2. USC (32) 4-0
3. Cal 5-0
4. Ohio State 5-0
5. Wisconsin 5-0
6. SOUTH FLORIDA(You stay Classy...) 4-0
7. BOSTON COLLEGE (You too...) 5-0
9. Florida 4-1
10. Oklahoma 4-1
The teams in bold are new to the top ten and haven't seen it in 30 years this side of NCAA 2008 on the ol' PS2, PS3, X-Box, whatever...

In other news...
Your 2007 NL Central Champion Chicago Cubs will be playing your 2007 NL West Champion Arizona Diamondbacks (WTF is that picture all about?) in a best of 5 set. Baseball uses a 2-2-1 format in the Division series'.
Good news: In the six games the two teams played, the Cubs had the better ERA, average and outscored the Diamondbacks 19-18*
Bad news: The D'Backs took 4 of 6.
I think the Cubs have what it takes. With Zambrano pitching game one and probably five if necessary, Lilly going in game two, and a lineup that TORE THROUGH September, I think they'll take it in 4. We'll see...
*author's note: Revised, I had my runs off by -1 a piece. I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken...

Friday, September 28, 2007


The Cubs clinch the NL Central with 2 games left in the 2007 season. Awesome. Looks like they'll be playing the D'Backs in the NLDS. Who does Mark Grace root for? I'll fuckin' tell you who! The Cubs...maybe.
In other news...
Ohio State (-24) at Minnesota
Ohio State rolls into Minnesota fresh off a drubbing of the Northwestern Wildcats. How did they celebrate their 58-7 victory, you ask? By sending their third-string quarterback out trollin' for whores! In his defense, this was what the prostitute looked like...I probably would have taken a run at her too. ANYWAY...
Todd (I don't pay for ass) Boeckman has shown the ability to throw the deep ball effectively and Brian (I also defer on the 'paying for ass' front) Robiske can catch a hell of a ball (3 catches, 84 yds., 3 TD's vs. Minnesota's secondary looks like this (That tall girl in the back could be dangerous...she's got her "Cover 2" merit badge.), so I think we'll have the third stringers in by the...oh, wait...
Ohio State- 51
Minnesota- 17 junk points.
(P.S. Welcome Back hyperlinks!)

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

I'd just like to say...

I'm awesome. I picked it as OSU-27 UW-17. It wound up being OSU-33, UW-14. It should have been 24-17, but Brandon (my knee hurts) Saine got a 61 yard touchdown run as time expired. I was 6 junk points away from being practically spot on...damn.
In other news...
Antonio (It burns when I pee) Henton got arrested for solicitng a prostitute. Wow, you play footbaw! for Ohio State, and you're still paying for ass? What gives? Corky from Facts of Life could get laid at an OSU frat party, and you're paying good hard American currency for it? Not to mention, you could type the words "Pope John Paul II" in to Google and get 1,000,000 hits for porn sites. Think holmes, think...

Thursday, September 13, 2007

By the way...

The Cubs beat the Astros (who I hate) 6-2. Octogenarian Steve Trachsel went 5 "strong" innings of 7 hit, 4 K, 3 BB baseball. He was lifted in the top of the 6th for a pinch hitter (Craig Monroe, who singled). Not because he was tired, mind you, but because his colostomy bag ruptured in the dugout, creating an hilarious "Three Stooges" like slip-n-slide routine for onlookers. Derrek Lee was on the bench with a sore knee (he fouled a ball off of it on a 0-0 count, stayed in the game and had a PIVOTAL defensive play in the bottom of the 9th. What a trooper.) and is day-to-day. His replacement, Daryle Ward, went 2-4 with a homer off of his old team, and still looks like a gigantic baby. We're talking Baby Huey here. With the win, the Cubs go 1/2 game up on the idle Brewers with 16 games left to play. Hooray for us!

How much power does it take to shock a Wolverine?

1 AA. AHAHAHAHAHA...take that, fatty. Now for college footbaw! footbawfootbawfootbaw!
Game to watch...
Ohio State (-4.5) at Washington.
Fresh off the upset of last year's Utah (who was that year's TCU, who was that year's Spurrier-coached Duke, et-cetera, et-cetera), Boise State, Washington comes into Saturday's game looking for THE signature win of the Ty Willingham era (the previous being a drubbing of those pesky Vandals of Idaho, and a win in the Apple Cup last year [note: remember when Washington State played Oklahoma in the Rose Bowl, and no one bought tickets? Yeah, I didn't watch it either...] over Washington State). Washington runs a spread-option kind of attack, using Tim Tebow doppleganger Jake Locker and his 9 foot-7 inch 4,212 pound frame to keep defenses honest with a pretty wicked running attack. We all saw how well previous Big T(11)en teams have handled the spread-option (see: Michigan's own Girl Scout Troop 109 vs. Troy Smith(three times)/Oregon (twice)/Appalachian State!), not well.
Ohio State, however, is not Michigan. First of all, they held Youngstown State and Akron to no TD's, winning both games 1-0 in extra innings in traditonal Tressel-ball style. By that I mean he had the punter run the offense. Sweatervest likey punter...Anyway, The defense is pretty terrific, and the offense, I suspect/hope/blink back tears as I remember last year (except that Championship mess [A.J. Trepasso 6 punts, 227 yards, 37.8 yards average]) will open up the playbook a little with the return (maybe) of burner Ray Small, who once beat a meth-head and a cheetah in my fantasy sprinting league. He's no Teddy Ballgame, but he'll keep the DB's (the YOUNG DB's, Washington starts an awful lot of Freshmen, even if they are of the red-shirt variety) from creeping into the box, which could spell a big day for Chris "Beanie" Wells, we're talking 175 yards, 2 TD's, and of course a fumble or two. You want a pick? Of course you do, you dirty girls...
Ohio State 27
Washington 17

Check back tomorrow, if I have the time, I'll do #1 USC-#14 Nebraska, or the Sam Keller "I thought I left the Pac-10" variety hour. It'll be interesting for about as long as that show would, 15 minutes...

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


I've got 5 CD's to listen to over the next week, so here goes...
1. "The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner" Ben Folds Five

2. "Plans" Death Cab for Cutie

3. "Whatever and Ever Amen" Ben Folds Five

4. "Supermix!" (A self-made compilation, about 35 songs)

5. "Slow Stuff" (another self-made CD)

We'll see how this turns out. I hope it's interesting.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

New stuff...

So, I have a new idea (if anyone still reads this). I'm thinking about a "desert island" kind of thing. I'll make a list of 5 ___ I would take with me were I to be stranded on a desert island, and I'll only use or watch or eat those things for a week. Whether they be CDs, movies, books, foods, whatever, I'll make the list and see how it goes. Check back tomorrow and I'll have the first list. As an aside, the last time I posted the Cubs were 34-39, WAY behind the Brewers. As i type, they are 60-57, 1 1/2 games back. Let's see how this bad boy turns out.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Sugar update and Comfest...

Well, I went about three days without any extra sugar in my diet, and it wasn't really all that bad. The one thing that sucked is that I realized I don't like tea very much without the sweet stuff. Then, on the fourth day, ComFest hit like a sugar-coated hurricane. IT...WAS...AWESOME! I drank 4 large sweet Iced Teas, had gyros, brats, pizza, got STELLAR buttons from (Check it out, I highly recommend), and saw some really good local music (Which you can read about at [an aside, I plug his site a lot...]). By the way, the Cubs won today, beating the White Sox 2-1 in only their 8th one-run victory of the season (8-15) to "improve" to 34-39 on the season. We're (fingers crossed) starting to put it together...

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

In America, First you get the sugar...

Here we go, back in the saddle again...5 days, no sugar. This is gonna suck it dry...
Sugar, delicious sweet tasty goodness. I love it. It's probably my mostest favoritest thing in the whole wide world...well, that and sweet sweet lovin'...And I'm gonna give it up (the sugar, not the lovin'). It feels good to start this up again. I wish I could be regular like my friends over at thabombshelter, but I'm not, so SUCKS TO YOUR ASS-MAR!

1. No adding sugar of any kind.

2. No artificial sweeteners of any kind.

3. No buying anything (tea, etc...) that is "Sweetened." (That's the part that's gonna suck, for those of you keeping score at home...)

1. We live in a world where EVERYTHING has some form of processed sugar in it. I can't help that. I guess I should say sugar PACKETS, but I don't think any of my readers are rotten whores enough to get that picky...(a small aside. The picture of the sugar packets I got above is from a sugar packet collector website. If you collect sugar packets, start an aspirin collection, get to about 1000 of them, and take them all at once...because you suck.)

2. If it's in the fridge and has sugar in it, I'm gonna drink it.

3. All bets are off at ComFest. If you don't know what ComFest is, you'd better ax summbuddy...

It's time to kick the tires and light the fires again, bitches!

Prepare to have your mind BLOWN...

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Well, that was a bust...

The scooter-scoping sucked. There weren't even any at the scooter store we went to. The salesman told us that "(they) have a tough time holding on to them, because campus just eats them up." I told him I had something he could eat up...dangling between my legs. The Cubs got shelled today 11-3. I still hold out hope for a Billy Beane A's-like second half, with a winning percentage in the .700's. That'd be pretty sweet. Hope, after all, springs eternal, especially in the Comedy Central. 85 wins could take the division.

I know I haven't been giving anything up lately, I've had other fish to fry. It will start up again soon enough, so I hope I've hooked enough of you to keep it worthwile...

Thursday, June 14, 2007

I'm sticking with sugar, but I'm gonna give it up for a week...

So I was reading on da intrawebs about artificial sweeteners, and I'm using sugar from now on...Did you know that Splenda (sucralose) was never tested on humans before release to the public? Or that it's chemical composition is much closer to DDT than sugar? Or that the Hydrogen atoms removed from the sugar molecule were replaced with chlorine? OR that it causes the thymus glands to shrink (weakening the immune system GREATLY) and the livers to increase in size and fat content in rats? Saccharin causes cancer (faster than you might imagine), Aspartame (Diet Pops) causes MS-like symptoms, memory loss, seizures, and irritability, Splenda causes 'roid-like rages in some people, sugar causes cancer and Christ knows what else...You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. More to follow, I gotta go scope some scooters white devils...

Two things...

One...The Cubs won! Hell mothafuckin' yeah!

Two...Slap Shot is at once one of the best and worst movies I've ever seen. It's so odd, I can't even explain it. I HIGHLY recommend it. More on this later...

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Before There Was...

The Cubs, I was a happy man. But alas, I have chained my cart to the most inept bunch of horses in professional sports. I have often thought of giving up. Bases loaded, nobody out, and they can't get anyone a week...both in the 8th inning. I don't want to say I could do a better job, but sweet baby jesus, pay me $500,000 a year to bat in JUST THOSE SITUATIONS and I bet I could get someone home. For that money, I'll lean into a pitch, crouch so I have a smaller strike zone, punch an opposing pitcher in the testicles, whatever will help. I'm just a team player like I'd love to punch a pitcher or two in the yambag. Here we go again, first pitch is at 8:05, I'll be crying myself to sleep by 11:00...

Thursday, June 7, 2007

I came to a realization today...

I made a mistake by limiting myself with this blog! I want to be able to slam out a "whatever I feel like" blog. SOOOO...that's what I'll be doing from now on. I'll still be taking a convenience out of my life and writing about it, but for those of you who have never done it, I can tell you that you burn out QUICKLY doing that every week with no rest.

I want to keep this alive, and I'd like to know that people are reading what I write, so I implore you, my dear readers, to leave a comment!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Before There Was Lives!, or, The Son of Before There Was.

Pat: 1
Existential Crisis: 0.
I Win, 1 to Nothin'!.
I'm back with a vengeance, stay tuned...

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Sorry gang...

I just haven't had it in me lately. The TV thing was a total failure. I'll post on that the next time I get a chance. I just wanted to let my loyal...reader...know that I'm still alive. Be back tomorrow...

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Sorry it's been a while, or, Philo T. Farnsworth and his Flying Trapeze!

I've had some...issues...that I've had to deal with. Anyways, on to the show...

The T.V. Where would I be without it? A bad place, that's where. I love it. I watch it...A LOT. I probably watch it (sad statistic coming up) 4 or 5 hours a day. I think it's spectacular. Her Royal Highness, however, decided to get grounded from the tube for a week for not cleaning her room after being asked FIVE TIMES, so I decided I'd come off it, too...


1. No watching T.V. That's the big one.

2. No Youtube T.V. clips.


1. Work: If someone has it on, I'm not going to be a dick and tell them they have to change it, but I can't actively watch, either.

2. I can watch game highlights. I'm crazy, but I'm not crazy enough to think I can go without ANY cubs baseball for a week.

Check back in two days for the Day One diary and hyperlinks!

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Well, I'm turning to you, my readers...

I've done the Computer (which sucked) and the Microwave (which wasn't bad or good). I'm going to take the next few days to take 'er easy and relax in my modern world. I turn now to you, my public, for help. I want to know what to give up next! It can be common or strange, big or small. Leave a comment here suggesting a modern convenience to surrender. I'll take the best one, embrace it to my ample bosom, and ditch it for a week. I'm actually a little excited about this. It should give me an idea of what kind of person spends time here at Before There Was.
Thank you to those who take time out of their days to read my ramblings, and to those of you who have helped me via nuts and bolts (Harry), inspiration (Anesia, mon amour), or even being an asshole (but one I can tell is a little jealous I came up with what turned out to be a pretty interesting read...Ryan). Thank you to the random reader who stops by and decides to stay for a while. Without you, none of this matters. I look forward to the comments.
Your Humble Blogger,

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Microwave... Day 5.

The last day was yesterday. Sorry to my loyal...reader...for not posting on time. The Lady Friend is sick, so we had a night of movies and ice cream last night. Anyhoot, on to the last fun-filled post until Monday. I haven't quite decided what to give up yet, and I think I'm going to start leaving it a surprise until Mondays from now on. Also, no pics. My camera has officially shuffled off this mortal coil...

Things that suck(ed)...

1. Not being able to eat the foods I want in a short amount of time. As Mitch Hedberg once famously said. "I love baked potatoes, but I don't have a microwave. Sometimes I'll throw a potato in the oven even if I'm not hungry, because by the time it's done, who knows?" I definitely have a little of that going on. I got on to a big oatmeal kick, and you can forget making it on the stove (what a MESS). I've been eating Honey Nut Cheerios, which aren't bad, but still. The worst part? I don't eat breakfast, like, ever. I eat oatmeal (or cheerios, as the case was this week) at midnight or later. So I am fully conscious of the absence of oatmeal.

Things that (didn't)...

1. I didn't miss it as much as I thought I would. Unlike the computer, it is possible to live without the microwave, and do so quite easily. By the end of the week, I barely noticed it was gone. I almost slipped up when i was going to fire up some left-overs, but I was fine waiting.

P.S. If anyone likes, or hates this, or thinks it's stupid, or the coolest thing since sliced bread, leave comments! I'd love some feedback from reader(s)!

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Microwave...Day 3

Well, I was right. I'm eating cold food. It isn't so bad, though, as you'll see.

(P.S. Update...If you're looking forward to hyperlinks on my posts, they're coming. I'm doing these from work, and I can't upload pictures here as easily. Come back when I do "No Microwave...Day 5" on Friday and Day 1 and 3 should be hyperlinked to the gills...I like ellipses)*authors note: And now they are! As of 3am on Thu. May 4th...

Things that suck:

1. Grocery shopping. I hate going to the store and buying things I know I can't eat for a week. I'm not a delayed gratification kind of guy. That's why I like surprises. If I know it's coming, I piss and moan until I get it. I'm better off just not knowing about it, at least then I can sleep at night.

2. Frozen veggies. The canned ones taste like ball sweat to me. They're all mushy and gross and I refuse to eat them. The problem, however, is that I cook the frozen ones in the (drumroll please...) Microwave! The GF (thank God for the GF) has figured out that she can cook them in the skillet with a little extra virgin olive oil, salt and pepper to help out. I tell ya, it's like there's a party in my mouth, and everyone's invited!

Things that don't:

1. Remember when I said I couldn't eat Pizza Bites? Well, I'm glad. If I know I can't eat them, I don't even want to. I'm actually eating healthier since this week started. I mean, I'm generally a pretty healthy eater, but it's gone into overdrive this week. I usually fired up the 'wave when I got home from work and ate beans or something shitty (it's 3 am, I'm not usually in the mood to "cook"), but now I just have an apple or some crackers or something...

2. I really haven't missed it that much. Not as much as I did the computer or will the TV, anyway. I haven't felt like I've been missing out too terribly much. The Microwave isn't as big a deal as the computer was. It's really not a pivotal part of modern life, but it definitely makes things about 10 times easier than they could be.

Coming soon...Pictures from this week. Check Day 5 Friday!

Ball Sweat In Action:

Thanks, Youtube!

Tuesday, May 1, 2007


New week, new device. This week, it's the microwave. As any fan of the frozen burrito will tell you, the microwave is an essential piece of equipment for the 21st century man. I use the thing 3 to 6 times a day. Not for the next week, though. For the next week, I'm from the year 1945, and the microwave doesn't exist. No more pizza bites (DAMN IT! My one vice[<---lie], and I can't do it!), no refried beans, no rolling that beautiful bean footage. I guess what I am trying to say is that I can sum up the next week of posts in one sentence: I'm going to be eating a lot of cold food. Rules:

1. No microwaving food. I can eat any food I want, but if it usually gets microwaved, I'll have to find a new way to cook it.

2. Defrosting: No can do. I'll have to do it in the sink under water, like my forefathers...sort of.

3. No microwave by proxy. I can't ask anyone to microwave stuff for me.


1. Someone (the Lady Friend, co-workers, etc.) microwaves something and offers it, I probably won't turn it down...well, I'll see on that one. This one is pretty exception-free.

2. If my choice is nuke something or not eat, I'm gonna eat. I can't think of a time in my 25 years that it has EVER come down to that, though...

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Day 5 without the Computer...

Preface: I think I'm going to do a post every other day, barring any special circumstances. I mean, there are only a few ways you can say something sucks, or doesn't. That said...

Things that suck:

1. Work! BORING! I want to stab like 2/3 of the people I work with...

2. Not being able to erase things easily...(use a pencil, you say? Sucks to your ass-mar!)

3. People keep telling me about websites. I have to say "I can't use the computer." You can't use the computer? What are you, Amish? Yes, I'm Amish in a Puma jacket...douche.

4. No Porn. Can't do it the old-fashioned way. No imagination left. I close my eyes and...bupkis. Thank God for the GF...

Things that don't:

1. Still reading, still sweet. The Tipping Point, highly recommended. Malcolm Gladwell. If you don't know, "you'd better axe sumbuddy," as the kids say.

2. Go Blue Ink. I forgot what a whole written page looked like that had nothing to do with school...

The hand-written post...

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Day 3 without the computer...

Things That Still Suck...

1. No checking e-mail. There is definitely something reassuring about getting messages every day, even if they are spam...:(

2. NO SPELL CHECK! I always spell two words wrong, definitely (?) (*authors note: Hooray for me! I got it right!) and through (?) (I think I got it right there). Normally I hit the spell check button and BOOM!, problem solved. Not now...

3. My handwriting. Look at this stuff! (*authors note: see below...) What am I? 3? Handwriting analysts would just say, "He's clearly retarded," and move on to the next one.

Things That Don't...

1. It's a little cathartic, I gotta tell ya. This must be what coming off Heroin feels like. The itch is still there, but I feel it fading...

2. Not watching the Cubs lose, up to the vivid color...fucking Cubs.

Click for the hand-written post...

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

A day without the Computer...

"What do you mean you 'can't use the computer'?"

I have heard this more times than I can count over the last week. Every time someone gave me a website to look at or asked me to do something on the computer, I'd have to say "I can't." I may as well have said "I have a scorching case of herpes." I became a pariah...and yes, it sucked.

Here's what I'm gonna do. I've got three hand-written posts that I've (thanks to Tha Bomb Shelter) scanned into the ol' magic box, which I'll copy, verbatim (with any corrections in spelling and grammar that need to be made), as a post. Then I'll link to the images of the hand-written posts below. I'll post one a day for the next three days, then surrender the next convenience. Here we go...

Day 1
What Sucks...

1. Remember when I said this was going to suck? I had no idea. This sucks harder than anything has ever sucked before. It sucks so hard, it is threatening to collapse in on itself, creating a black hole from which no awesome can escape. Three words haunt me like the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future. Out of Market. I am a Cubs fan. I live in Columumumbus, Ohio. I can't watch most Cubs games because I live (all together now) Out of Market! The only thing that made this bare-able was the intrawebs. I could keep track of scores, check standings, do all that fun stuff. Now, I have to use ESPN (which takes forever)...*authors note: I meant the bottom line, the little score ticker that runs on the bottom of the screen. Back to the action...or the newspaper (Blasphemy!) to get my fix. It eats ass.

2. Fantasy Baseball. Am I winning? Fuck if I know...

3. I checked some sites pretty regularly. ESPN, SI,, postsecret, boingboing, collegehumor, etc. I was by no means internet savvy and don't need it to survive, but I miss those sites.

4. WORK. I have to do my job now. WTF is that all about? The lamest shit ever, that's what. Wanna know how lame? (of course!) I work at a hospital. Among my more entertaining duties is babysitting our psych patients for 4 hour stretches. (To tell you how entertaining, I'll give you an example. I just watched a patient with Schizoaffective Disorder eat red Jell-O. Sounds mundane, right? No. Imagine eating Jell-O. Now imagine being crazy, too!...exactly, I could sell tickets, it's that great.) They get a little (read: a lot) boring, though. Enter, saving me like the Berlin Airlift. I read, I laugh, and then I get back to it. Not any more, Dagnabit.

What Doesn't Suck...

1. I'm reading a lot more. It's pretty schwiggity schwiggity schweet.

2. Colors seem...more alive...not really.



1. I had to check my bank statement. Something was wrong and it was too late to call.

2. I checked the OSU baseball schedule without realizing what I was doing. This is tough...

Here's the hand-written stuff, as promised...

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Just an update...

It sucked...hardcore. I'm in the process of scanning my hand-written posts into the 'puter thanks to my friends over @ ThaBombShelter...More to come, stay tuned. Next week, Microwave!

Friday, April 13, 2007

The Computer... gonna suck. The first item I am giving up for one week (as soon as I am done here, obviously) is the computer. The sweet, sweet computer.

Rules: No computer, pretty straightforward. No e-mail, no fantasy baseball (damn it), no nothin'. I'll hand write a post a day, and then scan them into the magic box at the end of the week.

Exceptions: Work. I use the computer to chart at work, and there's really no way around it, so I'll make a small exception for that.

Feel free to e-mail me with words of support, or to tell me I'm a moron (which I'm starting to suspect right about now), I won't get them until this time on the 20th...wish me luck gang...ok, I'm mean now................Damn, this is gonna suck...