Sunday, September 30, 2007

Sweet Baby Jesus!

It was a big weekend in college football.
Your standings on Friday...(top 10)
1. USC (43) 3-0
2. LSU (22) 4-0
3. Oklahoma 4-0
4. Florida 4-0
5. West Virginia 4-0
6. Cal 4-0
7. Texas 4-0
8. Ohio State 4-0
9. Wisconsin 4-0
10. Rutgers 4-0
Your standings when the dust settled on Sunday...(Top 10)
1. LSU (33) 5-0
2. USC (32) 4-0
3. Cal 5-0
4. Ohio State 5-0
5. Wisconsin 5-0
6. SOUTH FLORIDA(You stay Classy...) 4-0
7. BOSTON COLLEGE (You too...) 5-0
9. Florida 4-1
10. Oklahoma 4-1
The teams in bold are new to the top ten and haven't seen it in 30 years this side of NCAA 2008 on the ol' PS2, PS3, X-Box, whatever...

In other news...
Your 2007 NL Central Champion Chicago Cubs will be playing your 2007 NL West Champion Arizona Diamondbacks (WTF is that picture all about?) in a best of 5 set. Baseball uses a 2-2-1 format in the Division series'.
Good news: In the six games the two teams played, the Cubs had the better ERA, average and outscored the Diamondbacks 19-18*
Bad news: The D'Backs took 4 of 6.
I think the Cubs have what it takes. With Zambrano pitching game one and probably five if necessary, Lilly going in game two, and a lineup that TORE THROUGH September, I think they'll take it in 4. We'll see...
*author's note: Revised, I had my runs off by -1 a piece. I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken...

Friday, September 28, 2007


The Cubs clinch the NL Central with 2 games left in the 2007 season. Awesome. Looks like they'll be playing the D'Backs in the NLDS. Who does Mark Grace root for? I'll fuckin' tell you who! The Cubs...maybe.
In other news...
Ohio State (-24) at Minnesota
Ohio State rolls into Minnesota fresh off a drubbing of the Northwestern Wildcats. How did they celebrate their 58-7 victory, you ask? By sending their third-string quarterback out trollin' for whores! In his defense, this was what the prostitute looked like...I probably would have taken a run at her too. ANYWAY...
Todd (I don't pay for ass) Boeckman has shown the ability to throw the deep ball effectively and Brian (I also defer on the 'paying for ass' front) Robiske can catch a hell of a ball (3 catches, 84 yds., 3 TD's vs. Minnesota's secondary looks like this (That tall girl in the back could be dangerous...she's got her "Cover 2" merit badge.), so I think we'll have the third stringers in by the...oh, wait...
Ohio State- 51
Minnesota- 17 junk points.
(P.S. Welcome Back hyperlinks!)

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

I'd just like to say...

I'm awesome. I picked it as OSU-27 UW-17. It wound up being OSU-33, UW-14. It should have been 24-17, but Brandon (my knee hurts) Saine got a 61 yard touchdown run as time expired. I was 6 junk points away from being practically spot on...damn.
In other news...
Antonio (It burns when I pee) Henton got arrested for solicitng a prostitute. Wow, you play footbaw! for Ohio State, and you're still paying for ass? What gives? Corky from Facts of Life could get laid at an OSU frat party, and you're paying good hard American currency for it? Not to mention, you could type the words "Pope John Paul II" in to Google and get 1,000,000 hits for porn sites. Think holmes, think...

Thursday, September 13, 2007

By the way...

The Cubs beat the Astros (who I hate) 6-2. Octogenarian Steve Trachsel went 5 "strong" innings of 7 hit, 4 K, 3 BB baseball. He was lifted in the top of the 6th for a pinch hitter (Craig Monroe, who singled). Not because he was tired, mind you, but because his colostomy bag ruptured in the dugout, creating an hilarious "Three Stooges" like slip-n-slide routine for onlookers. Derrek Lee was on the bench with a sore knee (he fouled a ball off of it on a 0-0 count, stayed in the game and had a PIVOTAL defensive play in the bottom of the 9th. What a trooper.) and is day-to-day. His replacement, Daryle Ward, went 2-4 with a homer off of his old team, and still looks like a gigantic baby. We're talking Baby Huey here. With the win, the Cubs go 1/2 game up on the idle Brewers with 16 games left to play. Hooray for us!

How much power does it take to shock a Wolverine?

1 AA. AHAHAHAHAHA...take that, fatty. Now for college footbaw! footbawfootbawfootbaw!
Game to watch...
Ohio State (-4.5) at Washington.
Fresh off the upset of last year's Utah (who was that year's TCU, who was that year's Spurrier-coached Duke, et-cetera, et-cetera), Boise State, Washington comes into Saturday's game looking for THE signature win of the Ty Willingham era (the previous being a drubbing of those pesky Vandals of Idaho, and a win in the Apple Cup last year [note: remember when Washington State played Oklahoma in the Rose Bowl, and no one bought tickets? Yeah, I didn't watch it either...] over Washington State). Washington runs a spread-option kind of attack, using Tim Tebow doppleganger Jake Locker and his 9 foot-7 inch 4,212 pound frame to keep defenses honest with a pretty wicked running attack. We all saw how well previous Big T(11)en teams have handled the spread-option (see: Michigan's own Girl Scout Troop 109 vs. Troy Smith(three times)/Oregon (twice)/Appalachian State!), not well.
Ohio State, however, is not Michigan. First of all, they held Youngstown State and Akron to no TD's, winning both games 1-0 in extra innings in traditonal Tressel-ball style. By that I mean he had the punter run the offense. Sweatervest likey punter...Anyway, The defense is pretty terrific, and the offense, I suspect/hope/blink back tears as I remember last year (except that Championship mess [A.J. Trepasso 6 punts, 227 yards, 37.8 yards average]) will open up the playbook a little with the return (maybe) of burner Ray Small, who once beat a meth-head and a cheetah in my fantasy sprinting league. He's no Teddy Ballgame, but he'll keep the DB's (the YOUNG DB's, Washington starts an awful lot of Freshmen, even if they are of the red-shirt variety) from creeping into the box, which could spell a big day for Chris "Beanie" Wells, we're talking 175 yards, 2 TD's, and of course a fumble or two. You want a pick? Of course you do, you dirty girls...
Ohio State 27
Washington 17

Check back tomorrow, if I have the time, I'll do #1 USC-#14 Nebraska, or the Sam Keller "I thought I left the Pac-10" variety hour. It'll be interesting for about as long as that show would, 15 minutes...