It's...

As we know it... (Part II!)

Now, the thrilling conclusion to the...

"Shit's about to get real" List!


We've already covered the two most likely culprits, Plague and Nuclear War, now it's on to the last two...suckafish!



3. Doomsday Meteor
Odds.......1000 to 1
It's happened a few times before. The Gulf of Mexico? It's hiding the crater from the meteor strike that killed off the dinosaurs. Ever heard of the Tunguska Event? Can you imagine the effect of something like that happening to Paris, London, New York, Chicago, or Beijing? Bad news bears, and that was a small meteor strike. There are a number of vacillating estimates of the number of NEO's, or Near-Earth Objects, but most are around 5000, 700 of these considered "large." That's a lot of hunks of space crap floating around, waiting to cause trouble. (Thanks, NASA, for the info!)



4. Alien Invasion
Odds.......1,000,000 to 1.
Odds Hollywood would have you believe.......5 to 2
Don't get me wrong, it's probably the most awesome of all the Doomsday Scenarios. It is, however, also HIGHLY unlikely. The SETI program has been scanning the night sky for some time now, and they've found bupkis. Sorry to burst your bubble, suckas!

Up next, Global Warming Special!

It's...

As we know it...and I feel fine...

So I went to see I Am Legend the other day, largely because I have a fascination with all things dealing with the end of the world. The whole genre of Post-apocalyptic fiction fascinates me. It got me thinking, though. What are the odds of it actually happening in my lifetime? I have narrowed down the four most likely culprits, ordered them from most to least, and given you reasons for the odds in the first annual...

"Shit's about to get real" List!

We'll start with the most likely (in my estimation) culprit and work our way down the list. These odds have been checked by a Las Vegas odds-maker, and he said they are the slam-bam-diggity... Lets get to it!


1. Plague
Odds.......15 to 1
Now, by the world "ending," I mean Black Death-like statistics. Fully 1/4 of the world's population died. Any numbers including and past that will throw a pretty big monkey wrench in the machine we call "society." I placed the odds at 15 to 1 because every 100 years or so, there is a pandemic. Be it Bubonic Plague, Cholera, Spanish Flu, TB, or any number of others, something comes along to cull the herd in a pretty major way. There are a number of possible culprits out there right now. TB is making a comeback...and this time, it's drug-resistant! (Hooray!...no, wait...) The flu mutates every year. That flu shot you got? it's for last year's bug. The new kid on the block has free-range. We've got a stockpile of supposedly dead diseases (Smallpox, Polio) which I feel pretty secure about. It's the ones the Russians have (and are, I'm sure, willing to sell to the highest bidder) that make me nervous. As air travel makes the world smaller every day, it becomes more likely. Recently, a study was done in which scientsts marked a benign bacteria, seeing how quickly it would make it around the world. The answer? 24 hours. Next up, it's our old friend...



2. Nuclear War
Odds.......20 to 1
That's right kiddies, just when you thought it was safe to go back in the pool. Here's a list of countries with nuclear weapons (Thanks, wikipedia!)...

1. United States
2. Russia
3. United Kingdom
4. France
5. China
6. India
7. Pakistan
8. North Korea (Isn't that one reassuring...)
9. Israel (suspected)

The countries that are likely to use them (and against whom) is a shorter list...
in order of likelihood, they are...
1. North Korea (USA, South Korea, Japan, pretty much every one...)
2. Pakistan (India)
3. Israel (Anyone who tries to invade...again. I'm looking at you Syria, Lebanon, and Egypt!)
4. India (Pakistan)
5. China (Taiwan, USA by proxy since we told the Chinese we'd respond in kind if they did so...)

Kim Il Jong is certifiably insane. You never know what that wacky little bastard is going to do next. Pakistan and India have been up each other's butts over Kashmir since around '47. Pakistan is higher on the list because their political situation is...dicey, shall we say. Israel has been willing to lob 'em since they got 'em, which is probably why they still exist as a country right now. The China-Taiwan thing has cooled in recent years, but is ALWAYS on the verge of another flare-up. I took us, the Russians, the French, and the British off the list because I just don't see one of those four pulling that ugly little trigger. If you disagree, tell me why in the comments section! There are two more, which I'll post about on Monday! Stay Tuned!

Hey Hey Hey...

Help is on the way!
I'm going to update soon! It's gonna be about the end of the world...so...that'll be fun. I've been brainstorming about this post for about a week, so it'll be long and awesome...

So...

I got to watch the Blue Jackets game last night at work (ssshh, don't tell anyone). It was a doozy. 3-2 Shootout win over the Red Wings at home. That's the kind of game that can turn a season around. It took the Jackets out of the cellar and into a playoff spot. Good times...

In other news...

Ohio State jumps to #3 in the BCS. Should Missouri lose to Oklahoma in the Big XII Championship Game (VERY likely) or West Virginia lose to Pitt (not very likely), Ohio State will go to the championship game in New Orleans. Should BOTH of these happen, we'll play Georgia. Ohio State-Missouri = Ohio State Win, BIG

Ohio State-West Virginia = Crapshoot, could go either way. WVU is like Illinois, but better...

Ohio State-Georgia = Ohio State win, but it'd be close...

When we last left our intrepid explorers...

We (the royal we, that is) left off at the end of one of the first confontations that stirred the pot that was Cuban Missile Crisis soup (which does NOT come with the free breadsticks, so don't even ask), the US Naval blockade of Cuba. The Russians had lost the battle, but still definitely felt they could win the war. So strap in kids, here's the exciting conclusion of...
Cuban Missile Crisis
Part IV, "A New Hope..." (NERD!)

October 24-25
The State Department floated an idea. If the Russians pulled the missiles out of Cuba, the US would remove a series of missile bases it had established in Turkey (which is about as close to Russia as Cuba is to the US, at least as far as missile launch and response time is concerned).

By late afternoon of the 25th, U2 flights and a series of CIA operatives in Cuba confirmed that work on the missile sites had not slowed down at all. Kennedy (who, if you'll remember, always had an itchy trigger finger as far as the Cubans were concerned) wanted to invade to remove the missiles, but (and this will become a theme, thank God) cooler heads prevailed, and diplomacy was allowed to continue.

*****Special Sidebar!*****
Backdoor Diplomacy
The Crisis was full of it. ABC News (!) was carrying on discussions with Aleksandr Formin (Washington D.C. KGB Section Chief, c. 1960-1964) about the removal of missiles from Cuba in return for a guarantee that the US would never invade the island. A message was passed by the Brazilian (!) Embassy in Cuba to Castro, telling him to pressure the Russians to remove the missiles to protect his borders from the threat of US invasion.
(* A note on Russian foreign relations...The Russians didn't have "alliances." They tended to be wary of (Castro) and sometimes openly confrontational with (Mao in China) other Communist leaders. They were looking out for their own interests, and expected other Communist states (outside of Europe) to do the same. Until the missiles were on Cuban soil, there was little formal relationship between Havana and Moscow, and as soon as the missiles were removed (I gave away the ending...oh no!) there would again be little formal relationship. To prove the point, Nixon went to Russia before Castro even thought about doing so, and only went in '73 after Nixon's SECOND visit in May of '72. I'd say they were friendly enough with each other, but definitely "chilly." Now, back to the action! [thank you Encyclopedia Americana for the Nixon info])

6:00 that night...
Khrushchev wrote and had delivered a letter written in his own hand that Robert Kennedy would later describe as "long and emotional" that basically said "if you keep up your end of the bargain, I'll keep up mine."

October 27...
Things get "el testy-o" in Cuba
Castro is BALLSY, you've gotta give him that. Case in point...
Castro was convinced the US was going to invade (can you blame him? Look at the history!), so he was pressuring the Russians to not remove the missiles, but USE them! He also oredered his Anti-aircraft gunners to shoot down any US planes over Cuban soil (an open act of "hostility," or war).
Khrushchev, in the mean time, was working his magic. He wanted the missiles out of Turkey, and said so in a radio address on Radio Moscow. Robert McNamara, in the mean time, had a stroke of brilliance when he realized no one told the Russians where the blockade line was (dumbasses). he had U Thant (UN Sec. General) relay a message to prevent any stickiness.

Later in the day, Castro made good on his word and shot down a U2 spy plane flying over Cuba. A sortie of US planes was also fired upon but not destroyed. Kennedy had said he would attack Cuba if this happened, but decided to wait to see if diplomacy could still carry the day (cooler heads!).

October 27-28...
Kennedy and Khrushchev, playing the world's most important game of "telephone," continued negotiating about the missiles in Turkey. For the sake of brevity, I'll sum it up. Kennedy wanted the missiles out of Cuba, and was willing to take the missiles out of Turkey, but didn't want the world to think the Russians made him do it. Khrushchev wanted the missiles out of Turkey, and was willing to take the ones out of Cuba. Turkey, for it's part, wanted the missiles to stay, but who cares what Turkey wants? Turkey doesn't want to get cooked on Thanksgiving, but we still eat it in late November (plus sandwich time for the next week or two). Kennedy wasn't going to let the Russians save any face on the Turkey Situation. The Russians were mulling it over, and to prod them along, Kennedy had a message sent through official diplomatic channels saying "time is short, poop or get off the pot." He was telling the Russians "either take the deal or we'll invade Cuba."

October 28....
It worked. Khrushchev ordered the dimantling of the missiles and their immediate return to the Soviet Union. Kennedy immediately gave a speech praising the Russians for taking an important step in the peace process. People all across America were putting finishing touches on bomb shelters that, while awesome, would never be used during the Cold War.

"A schooner is a sailboat, stupidhead!" (What the big picture is...)
This was the event that saved the (up to that time, disastrous) Kennedy presidency, and would get his name mentioned in the same breath as Lincoln (the ULTIMATE American compliment).

Khrushchev kept power for two years, and was eventually ousted by Leonid Brezhnev, many believe due to the "loss of face" that occured during the Crisis. Brezhnev would hold the post of General Secretary longer than anybody but Stalin (1964-1982).

Castro is still as nutty as squirrel turds, chattering like a monkey in Havana to this day. Americans are still prohibited from travelling to Cuba and have to go to Canada to get cigars.

The Soviet Union would collapse in 1990-91.

In honor of the new set up...

A History Lesson! Hooray! Gather 'round kiddies/and you shall see/ the midnight ride/ of a U2 spy plane, a fat Soviet (who looks a little like Don Zimmer), and a Massachusetts cuckolder. That's right...

Cuban Missile Crisis!


The Setting...

Seeing it as his duty to Monroe Doctorine/Rosevelt Corollary politics, JFK decided Castro had to go. Cuba was too sweet a place to leave in the hands of those dirty commies. Havana, after all, was the Las Vegas of it's time. When you hear someone say "It's not Havana in the 50's, but it's nice(as I often do)," they mean that it isn't the place to be. Castro gained power in Cuba in 1959, and the democrats (not those democrats, just people who supported Democracy in general) scattered like 17 year olds at a keg party getting raided by the cops. By April 15, 1961, a brigade of Cuban ex-pats (whose training started under Eisenhower) was ready for an invasion to take back the motherland. They landed on the Bay of Pigs, got CRUSHED (thanks in large part to the fact that Kennedy wouldn't authorize direct US support, not wanting to literally "poke the (Russian) bear."), and left Kennedy with a HUGE black eye. See, the whole world knew it was us, but (hooray plausible deniability!) couldn't prove it (yet). Che Guevara (you know, the guy on the T-Shirts!) famously sent Kennedy a note stating: "Thanks for Playa Giron (Bay of Pigs). Before the invasion, the revolution was weak, Now it's stronger than ever."(*Thanks, Wikipedia, for the quotiness!) Now you get why Kennedy had such a bug up his but about Cuba...

The Event...(with a picture of the "Cuban Missiles" in question, shot by the U2!)

October 14, 1962...
A U2 spy plane flying over San Cristobal in Western Cuba snaps the photo above, along with PLENTY of others, of Russian SS-4 and SS-5 Medium and Long Range Ballistic Missiles. How did we know to take the pictures? Prepare to be shocked...the FRENCH told us the Cubans were getting the boom-boom phalluses early in 1962. Can you believe that?

October 16...
Kennedy meets with his cabinet to discuss the situation, having seen the photos earlier in the morning (presumably after the skank of the day got booted out of his office in yesterday's dress, reeking of cigarette smoke with a little vomit in her hair...Kennedy liked 'em dirty). The big problem here is that there was NO policy regarding Soviet action in Cuba. American foreign policy makers always thought that if the Russians EVER made a move, it'd be in Berlin (which was the heart of the Cold War from beginning to end, except for these two weeks in October). ANYHOOT, the Joint Chiefs said "Invade." Problem was, we invade Cuba, the Soviets use it as an excuse to invade Berlin, Kennedy gets blamed, not to mention The Day After moving from the "fiction" to "biography" section at the burnt-out husk of the Blockbuster. Robert McNamara (then Secretary of Defense) suggested a blockade. Technically, it was still an act of war, but with approval from the Organization of American States, Kennedy could claim it was legal. Things were getting ugly.

October 18...
The Minister of Foreign Affairs for the Soviet Union tells Kennedy they weren't missiles, it was a land reform project...with missiles...I mean...damn...Look, John D. Rockefeller throwing silver dollars from a zeppelin! (Minister runs out of room, Kennedy goes to get wash-basin to collect silver dollars, gets halfway to the White House shed, realizes he's been duped, and shakes a fist at the heavens).

October 19...
U2 spy plane photos show between 4 and 5 operational missile sites (depending on your source). Kennedy tells the British and other allies of the plans for blockade, etc. and tells them to keep it on the D-L until he can address the nation. Strategic Air Command (SAC) lanches what will become round-the-clock flights of B-52 Stratofortresses armed with nuclear missiles, ready to launch a full first-strike against the Soviet Union should either side flinch...this was high-stakes fo' sho'.

Looking to rust some tin roofs in the USSR, bitches!

October 22...
Kennedy addresses the nation. He states that (and I'm paraphrasing here) any missile launched from Cuba will be seen as an attack by the Soviet Union on the United States, and will be met with a full retaliatory response. He announces the blockade and places US forces on DEFCON 3, which moved radio communication to classified codes and increased force readiness. 180 US ships are ready to blockade that bitch!

October 23...
Khrushchev calls the blockade illegal and tells his ships to run it.

October 24, 10 A.M....
The blockade officially goes in to effect. When the blockade goes in to effect, there are nineteen Soviet vessels bound for Cuba. 16 turn right back around and head for the Soviet union. The tanker Bucharest continues heading for US lines, while two other ships, the Gagarin and Komiles, were miles from US lines and being escorted by a submarine that was sandwiched between the two. Force was authorized to stop the ships. Less than a half an hour later, all the ships had stopped advancing towards US lines. At this point, Dean Rusk famously quipped, "We're eyeball to eyeball, and I think the other fellow just blinked." This would be the first of a number of NEAR misses over the next few days.

Later in the day, after Khrushchev publicly said that "pirate actions" would not be tolerated. He also sent a private telegram to Kennedy that said in much cooler but no less uncertain terms that the Soviets could not and would not back down. So much for blinking, douchebag...

Propmted by these messages, for the only time in it's history, US Armed Forces were put on DEFCON 2, one step from open armed conflict. By comparison, we only reached DEFCON 3 on September 11th, 2001. This...was...BIG trouble in Little China, with Khrushchev as Lo Pan, The Kennedy Boys as Jack Burton, Adlai Stevenson (...Don't wait for the translation, yes or no, you are in the courtroom of world opinion...) as Gracie Law, and McNamara as Egg Shen.

I'm going to stop here, and let this all set in...I'll be back tomorrow with the thrilling conclusion. Check it out, yo!

So, Here are a few things...

What happened to needing talent to get ahead in this country? I just watched 20 minutes of a show, my hand to God, called "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila." If you haven't seen it (and since you're reading this, I'm assuming you haven't), Tila Tequila is a diminutive bisexual who gained huge celebrity by having a myspace page and being a vapid whore. 16 guys (and they are amazing men, captains of industry every one) and 16 lesbians(...no complaints about that part of it actually) "compete" for a chance to "hit it." That's it. That's your show. Guess what network it's on? MTV. maybe I'm getting to old, but remember when the "M" in "MTV" was for "Music," not "Look! vagina!"

Everyone says that Pete Carroll is the greatest coach in college football these days. He coches USC, which might be the easiest school to recruit for in the country. Not to be a homer, but I think Jimmy T has a much stiffer challenge...Lets look at it objectively...
USC is nestled in kind of a shitty area of LA. Other than that, it is a lovely campus, it's always sunny and 70, and the student body is as attractive as they come.

Ohio State on the other hand, is in the middle of Columbus, Ohio. I love it here, but 70 and sunny it is not. Ohio State happens to have the largest enrollment of any degree-granting institution (that isn't on the internet...I mean, come on, really?) in the United States. The student body? Not...as...attractive.

And yet...
Career records at respective schools...
Carroll at USC...71-13 (45-8)
Tressel at Ohio State...70-14 (42-10)

End of season rankings...
USC (2001-current) NR,4,2,1,2,4,8
OSU (2001-current) NR,1,4,20,4,2,1

Conference Competition...
End of season rankings...(2002-current)
Pac 10 (AP)
2002 (USC Conf. Title)
Washington State (10)

2003 (USC Nat'l Camp. [split, LSU])
Washington State (9)

2004 (USC Nat'l Camp)
California (9)
Arizona State (19)

2005 (USC Conf. Title)
Oregon (12)
UCLA (16)
California (25)

2006 (USC Conf. Title)
California (14)
Oregon State (21)

2007 (through week 8, USC at 8)
Oregon (5)
Arizona State (7)
California (18)

Big 10 (AP)
2002 (Ohio State Nat'l Champ)
Iowa (8)
Michigan (9)
Penn State (16)

2003
Michigan (6)
Iowa (8)
Purdue (18)
Minnesota (20)

2004
Iowa (8)
Michigan (14)
Wisconsin (17)

2005 (Ohio State Conf. Title)
Penn State (3)
Wisconsin (15)

2006 (Ohio State Conf. Title)
Wisconsin (7)
Michigan (8)
Penn State (24)

2007 (Through Week 8, Ohio State 1)
Michigan (19)
Penn State (24)

The only seasons in which the Pac 10 had more teams in the top 25 than the Big 10 were 2005 (USC 2, OSU 4) and this year (USC 8, Ohio State 1). The Pac 10 had 12 teams in the top 25 at year's end during this span, with an average ranking of (13.75). The Big 10 had 17 teams in the top 25 at year's end with an average ranking of (13.18). It's kind of splitting hairs as to who's better, but I think the numbers do a pretty good job of showing it. Tressel has 3 fewer conference wins. That can be accounted for by level of competition. He also has one less win overall. Again, level of competition. I hope this was as enlightening to read as it was to research. I hope to revisit again at the end of the year, sucakfish!

Here we go again...

Ohio State (-7) at Purdue
Purdue throws the ball. A LOT. Which is weird. I don't think Purdue has ever had a team that throws (up) a lot...ANYWAY...
Curtis Painter is a helluva quarterback. He has TD passes to eight different recievers and 18 overall. He is coming off a year (2006, for those of you as good at math as I am) when he threw a gazillion TD's, but 19 interceptions as well (leading all 1A). This year he only has three against football powerhouses such as Toledo (1-4), Eastern Illinois (3-2, 1AA), Central Michigan (2-3), Minnesota (1-4), and Notre Dame (0-5!). Beforetherewas contest: Without cheating, name the 4 teams the above referenced are playing just by the uniforms. Hell, get help, you probably still can't do it...
Ohio State comes fresh off a drubbing of Minnesota, and a week in which no one was arrested for soliciting a(n 80's) prostitute! Hooray!
I think the Buckeyes win this one 33-17. I HATE road games at Purdue. Purdue is THAT team for Sweatervest. Always more trouble than they are worth. Purdue keeps it close for three quarters, then depth on the lines takes over, and Ohio State runs it up in the 4th.
In other news...
Please Jeebus, give me a comeback of biblical proportions. I beg of you. I think the Cubs will take the two in Wrigley.

By the way...

The Cubs beat the Astros (who I hate) 6-2. Octogenarian Steve Trachsel went 5 "strong" innings of 7 hit, 4 K, 3 BB baseball. He was lifted in the top of the 6th for a pinch hitter (Craig Monroe, who singled). Not because he was tired, mind you, but because his colostomy bag ruptured in the dugout, creating an hilarious "Three Stooges" like slip-n-slide routine for onlookers. Derrek Lee was on the bench with a sore knee (he fouled a ball off of it on a 0-0 count, stayed in the game and had a PIVOTAL defensive play in the bottom of the 9th. What a trooper.) and is day-to-day. His replacement, Daryle Ward, went 2-4 with a homer off of his old team, and still looks like a gigantic baby. We're talking Baby Huey here. With the win, the Cubs go 1/2 game up on the idle Brewers with 16 games left to play. Hooray for us!

How much power does it take to shock a Wolverine?

1 AA. AHAHAHAHAHA...take that, fatty. Now for college footbaw! footbawfootbawfootbaw!
Game to watch...
Ohio State (-4.5) at Washington.
Fresh off the upset of last year's Utah (who was that year's TCU, who was that year's Spurrier-coached Duke, et-cetera, et-cetera), Boise State, Washington comes into Saturday's game looking for THE signature win of the Ty Willingham era (the previous being a drubbing of those pesky Vandals of Idaho, and a win in the Apple Cup last year [note: remember when Washington State played Oklahoma in the Rose Bowl, and no one bought tickets? Yeah, I didn't watch it either...] over Washington State). Washington runs a spread-option kind of attack, using Tim Tebow doppleganger Jake Locker and his 9 foot-7 inch 4,212 pound frame to keep defenses honest with a pretty wicked running attack. We all saw how well previous Big T(11)en teams have handled the spread-option (see: Michigan's own Girl Scout Troop 109 vs. Troy Smith(three times)/Oregon (twice)/Appalachian State!), not well.
Ohio State, however, is not Michigan. First of all, they held Youngstown State and Akron to no TD's, winning both games 1-0 in extra innings in traditonal Tressel-ball style. By that I mean he had the punter run the offense. Sweatervest likey punter...Anyway, The defense is pretty terrific, and the offense, I suspect/hope/blink back tears as I remember last year (except that Championship mess [A.J. Trepasso 6 punts, 227 yards, 37.8 yards average]) will open up the playbook a little with the return (maybe) of burner Ray Small, who once beat a meth-head and a cheetah in my fantasy sprinting league. He's no Teddy Ballgame, but he'll keep the DB's (the YOUNG DB's, Washington starts an awful lot of Freshmen, even if they are of the red-shirt variety) from creeping into the box, which could spell a big day for Chris "Beanie" Wells, we're talking 175 yards, 2 TD's, and of course a fumble or two. You want a pick? Of course you do, you dirty girls...
Ohio State 27
Washington 17

Check back tomorrow, if I have the time, I'll do #1 USC-#14 Nebraska, or the Sam Keller "I thought I left the Pac-10" variety hour. It'll be interesting for about as long as that show would, 15 minutes...

New stuff...

So, I have a new idea (if anyone still reads this). I'm thinking about a "desert island" kind of thing. I'll make a list of 5 ___ I would take with me were I to be stranded on a desert island, and I'll only use or watch or eat those things for a week. Whether they be CDs, movies, books, foods, whatever, I'll make the list and see how it goes. Check back tomorrow and I'll have the first list. As an aside, the last time I posted the Cubs were 34-39, WAY behind the Brewers. As i type, they are 60-57, 1 1/2 games back. Let's see how this bad boy turns out.

I came to a realization today...

I made a mistake by limiting myself with this blog! I want to be able to slam out a "whatever I feel like" blog. SOOOO...that's what I'll be doing from now on. I'll still be taking a convenience out of my life and writing about it, but for those of you who have never done it, I can tell you that you burn out QUICKLY doing that every week with no rest.

I want to keep this alive, and I'd like to know that people are reading what I write, so I implore you, my dear readers, to leave a comment!

Sorry it's been a while, or, Philo T. Farnsworth and his Flying Trapeze!

I've had some...issues...that I've had to deal with. Anyways, on to the show...

The T.V. Where would I be without it? A bad place, that's where. I love it. I watch it...A LOT. I probably watch it (sad statistic coming up) 4 or 5 hours a day. I think it's spectacular. Her Royal Highness, however, decided to get grounded from the tube for a week for not cleaning her room after being asked FIVE TIMES, so I decided I'd come off it, too...

Rules:

1. No watching T.V. That's the big one.

2. No Youtube T.V. clips.

Exceptions:

1. Work: If someone has it on, I'm not going to be a dick and tell them they have to change it, but I can't actively watch, either.

2. cubs.com: I can watch game highlights. I'm crazy, but I'm not crazy enough to think I can go without ANY cubs baseball for a week.

Check back in two days for the Day One diary and hyperlinks!

Microwave!

New week, new device. This week, it's the microwave. As any fan of the frozen burrito will tell you, the microwave is an essential piece of equipment for the 21st century man. I use the thing 3 to 6 times a day. Not for the next week, though. For the next week, I'm from the year 1945, and the microwave doesn't exist. No more pizza bites (DAMN IT! My one vice[<---lie], and I can't do it!), no refried beans, no rolling that beautiful bean footage. I guess what I am trying to say is that I can sum up the next week of posts in one sentence: I'm going to be eating a lot of cold food. Rules:

1. No microwaving food. I can eat any food I want, but if it usually gets microwaved, I'll have to find a new way to cook it.

2. Defrosting: No can do. I'll have to do it in the sink under water, like my forefathers...sort of.

3. No microwave by proxy. I can't ask anyone to microwave stuff for me.

Exceptions:

1. Someone (the Lady Friend, co-workers, etc.) microwaves something and offers it, I probably won't turn it down...well, I'll see on that one. This one is pretty exception-free.

2. If my choice is nuke something or not eat, I'm gonna eat. I can't think of a time in my 25 years that it has EVER come down to that, though...

A day without the Computer...

Intro:
"What do you mean you 'can't use the computer'?"

I have heard this more times than I can count over the last week. Every time someone gave me a website to look at or asked me to do something on the computer, I'd have to say "I can't." I may as well have said "I have a scorching case of herpes." I became a pariah...and yes, it sucked.

Here's what I'm gonna do. I've got three hand-written posts that I've (thanks to Tha Bomb Shelter) scanned into the ol' magic box, which I'll copy, verbatim (with any corrections in spelling and grammar that need to be made), as a post. Then I'll link to the images of the hand-written posts below. I'll post one a day for the next three days, then surrender the next convenience. Here we go...

Day 1
What Sucks...

1. Remember when I said this was going to suck? I had no idea. This sucks harder than anything has ever sucked before. It sucks so hard, it is threatening to collapse in on itself, creating a black hole from which no awesome can escape. Three words haunt me like the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future. Out of Market. I am a Cubs fan. I live in Columumumbus, Ohio. I can't watch most Cubs games because I live (all together now) Out of Market! The only thing that made this bare-able was the intrawebs. I could keep track of scores, check standings, do all that fun stuff. Now, I have to use ESPN (which takes forever)...*authors note: I meant the bottom line, the little score ticker that runs on the bottom of the screen. Back to the action...or the newspaper (Blasphemy!) to get my fix. It eats ass.

2. Fantasy Baseball. Am I winning? Fuck if I know...

3. I checked some sites pretty regularly. ESPN, SI, thabombshelter.com, postsecret, boingboing, collegehumor, etc. I was by no means internet savvy and don't need it to survive, but I miss those sites.

4. WORK. I have to do my job now. WTF is that all about? The lamest shit ever, that's what. Wanna know how lame? (of course!) I work at a hospital. Among my more entertaining duties is babysitting our psych patients for 4 hour stretches. (To tell you how entertaining, I'll give you an example. I just watched a patient with Schizoaffective Disorder eat red Jell-O. Sounds mundane, right? No. Imagine eating Jell-O. Now imagine being crazy, too!...exactly, I could sell tickets, it's that great.) They get a little (read: a lot) boring, though. Enter boredatwork.com, saving me like the Berlin Airlift. I read, I laugh, and then I get back to it. Not any more, Dagnabit.

What Doesn't Suck...

1. I'm reading a lot more. It's pretty schwiggity schwiggity schweet.

2. Colors seem...more alive...not really.

---------Scribbles-------

Slip-ups...

1. I had to check my bank statement. Something was wrong and it was too late to call.

2. I checked the OSU baseball schedule without realizing what I was doing. This is tough...


Here's the hand-written stuff, as promised...

The Computer...

This...is gonna suck. The first item I am giving up for one week (as soon as I am done here, obviously) is the computer. The sweet, sweet computer.

Rules: No computer, pretty straightforward. No e-mail, no fantasy baseball (damn it), no nothin'. I'll hand write a post a day, and then scan them into the magic box at the end of the week.

Exceptions: Work. I use the computer to chart at work, and there's really no way around it, so I'll make a small exception for that.

Feel free to e-mail me with words of support, or to tell me I'm a moron (which I'm starting to suspect right about now), I won't get them until this time on the 20th...wish me luck gang...ok, I'm going...now........I mean now................Damn, this is gonna suck...