Friday, October 26, 2007

In honor of the new set up...

A History Lesson! Hooray! Gather 'round kiddies/and you shall see/ the midnight ride/ of a U2 spy plane, a fat Soviet (who looks a little like Don Zimmer), and a Massachusetts cuckolder. That's right...

Cuban Missile Crisis!


The Setting...

Seeing it as his duty to Monroe Doctorine/Rosevelt Corollary politics, JFK decided Castro had to go. Cuba was too sweet a place to leave in the hands of those dirty commies. Havana, after all, was the Las Vegas of it's time. When you hear someone say "It's not Havana in the 50's, but it's nice(as I often do)," they mean that it isn't the place to be. Castro gained power in Cuba in 1959, and the democrats (not those democrats, just people who supported Democracy in general) scattered like 17 year olds at a keg party getting raided by the cops. By April 15, 1961, a brigade of Cuban ex-pats (whose training started und
er Eisenhower) was ready for an invasion to take back the motherland. They landed on the Bay of Pigs, got CRUSHED (thanks in large part to the fact that Kennedy wouldn't authorize direct US support, not wanting to literally "poke the (Russian) bear."), and left Kennedy with a HUGE black eye. See, the whole world knew it was us, but (hooray plausible deniability!) couldn't prove it (yet). Che Guevara (you know, the guy on the T-Shirts!) famously sent Kennedy a note stating: "Thanks for Playa Giron (Bay of Pigs). Before the invasion, the revolution was weak, Now it's stronger than ever."(*Thanks, Wikipedia, for the quotiness!) Now you get why Kennedy had such a bug up his but about Cuba...

The Event...(with a picture of the "Cuban Missiles" in question, shot by the U2!)

October 14, 1962...
A U2 spy plane flying over San Cristobal in Western Cuba snaps the photo above, along with PLENTY of others, of Russian SS-4 and SS-5 Medium and Long Range Ballistic Missiles. How did we know to take the pictures? Prepare to be shocked...the FRENCH told us the Cubans were getting the boom-boom phalluses early in 1962. Can you believe that?

October 16...
Kennedy meets with his cabinet to discuss the situation, having seen the photos earlier in the morning (presumably after the skank of the day got booted out of his office in yesterday's dress, reeking of cigarette smoke with a little vomit in her hair...Kennedy liked 'em dirty). The big problem here is that there was NO policy regarding Soviet action in Cuba. American foreign policy makers always thought that if the Russians EVER made a move, it'd be in Berlin (which was the heart of the Cold War from beginning to end, except for these two weeks in October). ANYHOOT, the Joint Chiefs said "Invade." Problem was, we invade Cuba, the Soviets use it as an excuse to invade Berlin, Kennedy gets blamed, not to mention The Day After moving from the "fiction" to "biography" section at the burnt-out husk of the Blockbuster. Robert McNamara (then Secretary of Defense) suggested a blockade. Technically, it was still an act of war, but with approval from the Organization of American States, Kennedy could claim it was legal. Things were getting ugly.

October 18...
The Minister of Foreign Affairs for the Soviet Union tells Kennedy they weren't missiles, it was a land reform project...with missiles...I mean...damn...Look, John D. Rockefeller throwing silver dollars from a zeppelin! (Minister runs out of room, Kennedy goes to get wash-basin to collect silver dollars, gets halfway to the White House shed, realizes he's been duped, and shakes a fist at the heavens).

October 19...
U2 spy plane photos show between 4 and 5 operational missile sites (depending on your source). Kennedy tells the British and other allies of the plans for blockade, etc. and tells them to keep it on the D-L until he can address the nation. Strategic Air Command (SAC) lanches what will become round-the-clock flights of B-52 Stratofortresses armed with nuclear missiles, ready to launch a full first-strike against the Soviet Union should either side flinch...this was high-stakes fo' sho'.

Looking to rust some tin roofs in the USSR, bitches!

October 22...
Kennedy addresses the nation. He states that (and I'm paraphrasing here) any missile launched from Cuba will be seen as an attack by the Soviet Union on the United States, and will be met with a full retaliatory response. He announces the blockade and places US forces on DEFCON 3, which moved radio communication to classified codes and increased force readiness. 180 US ships are ready to blockade that bitch!

October 23...
Khrushchev calls the blockade illegal and tells his ships to run it.

October 24, 10 A.M....
The blockade officially goes in to effect. When the blockade goes in to effect, there are nineteen Soviet vessels bound for Cuba. 16 turn right back around and head for the Soviet union. The tanker Bucharest continues heading for US lines, while two other ships, the Gagarin and Komiles, were miles from US lines and being escorted by a submarine that was sandwiched between the two. Force was authorized to stop the ships. Less than a half an hour later, all the ships had stopped advancing towards US lines. At this point, Dean Rusk famously quipped, "We're eyeball to eyeball, and I think the other fellow just blinked." This would be the first of a number of NEAR misses over the next few days.

Later in the day, after Khrushchev publicly said that "pirate actions" would not be tolerated. He also sent a private telegram to Kennedy that said in much cooler but no less uncertain terms that the Soviets could not and would not back down. So much for blinking, douchebag...

Propmted by these messages, for the only time in it's history, US Armed Forces were put on DEFCON 2, one step from open armed conflict. By comparison, we only reached DEFCON 3 on September 11th, 2001. This...was...BIG trouble in Little China, with Khrushchev as Lo Pan, The Kennedy Boys as Jack Burton, Adlai Stevenson (...Don't wait for the translation, yes or no, you are in the courtroom of world opinion...) as Gracie Law, and McNamara as Egg Shen.

I'm going to stop here, and let this all set in...I'll be back tomorrow with the thrilling conclusion. Check it out, yo!



3 comments:

H-Bomb said...

Man, I'm digging the new design/content. I never knew what happened with the cuban missile crisis, and in this style it's VERY easy to understand, thanks.

I think there is certainly a market for a history lesson blog (with some sports analyzation thrown in for good measure).

I did notice that a chunk of black text at the beginning of post was illegible (I highlighted the page to see it). I'm guessing you pasted that in from some other source?

Anyway, diggin' the change!

Peeface McTavish, Esq. said...

I don't know why the text came out like that. I didn't cut and paste. I tried changing the color and font, and I even tried re-typing the whole block of text. I think it might have something to do with the pictures.

Captain Coinpurse said...

What about cuban cigars? I didn't see any mention of them in the history lesson (which I agree was nicely written).